Toxic Memories
einav avni 
How accurate are your childhood memories, and how do they influence your adult life?
When my younger daughter turned one, and in keeping with the Mongolian tradition (of which she is half), we held a hair-cutting ceremony for her. The ceremony invites each guest to cut a strand of hair and bestow good wishes on the child as they transition from babyhood to childhood. At the end of the ceremony, The remaining hair is completely shaved, to allow for the new phase to start.
Here are two photos - on the left, immediately after the ceremony, and on the right, a year or so later...
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You can see, from the photo on the right, the thought process I had as a proud mother, deciding it would be oh-just-fine if I cut her hair myself... And just like it sometimes happens when you decide to eat cake straight from the baking tray and keep adjusting the edges, so it happened with my haircutting decisions and the result, as they say, is now part of history...
(For the record, I will say, that soon after the right-hand-side photo was taken, I did take her to the hairdresser who promptly told me off, never to be attempted again!).
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The other day as the whole family was sitting together, my haircutting skills, again, came into questioning, when my older daughter (3 years apart, so would have been about 5 at the time) declared that I achieved said haircut by putting a bucket on my younger daughter's head and using this as a guideline!!!! 🙈🙈🙈
NO!!!!!!!
But there is NO moving her from this (false) memory she created for herself, and now this is what she is going around telling people... 🙈
I heard someone on Instagram (probably more cool to say TikTok, but I don't have it) say that any memory we have from before age 5 is false, so I went to my friend Chat(GPT) and asked him to verify the rumour.
He said it wasn't entirely true, so here is what he said, so we know this together now:
No, it's not true that all memories from before age 5 are false, but they can be unreliable or fragmented. The phenomenon often referred to as "childhood amnesia" means that most people struggle to remember events from their early years, typically before the age of 3-4.
However, it doesn't mean that all memories from before age 5 are false. Some memories might be accurate, but they're often influenced by factors such as:
Memory Reconstruction: Early memories can be reconstructed or influenced by later experiences, stories told by others, or photos.
Emotional Significance: Highly emotional events or repeated experiences might be more likely to be remembered.
Fragmented Memories: Memories from this age can be fragmented, with some details missing or altered over time.
Source Confusion: Sometimes people confuse their own memories with stories or information they heard from others about their early life.
So, while memories from before age 5 can be less reliable, they aren't automatically false.
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The reason why I find this whole topic fascinating is because most of the time we never think to question these early childhood memories and the impact these stories have on us can be devastating.
Why?
Because before the age of 5, we are unable to make the connection between how we feel (sad, scared, ashamed, etc) and the event that took place just before that. At that time we take the emotion, and we create strategies of coping so that we don't feel like this again (or less often).
It's only after the age of 5 that the frontal cortex is more developed and can put 2 and 2 together to fill in the gaps. At that time some of the points above are already in place and the memory (can) become clouded and skewed to match our new take on life.
I am not saying your childhood trauma didn't happen. I am saying that it might be interesting for you to go back there and try and see the bigger picture, including what was going on for each of the players at the time.
What were they doing?
What else was going on in their lives?
What fears and struggles were they facing?
We are not excusing or forgiving (you may if this feels right), but going back there and looking at things from a wider perspective might just give you the relief you need from the past that keeps showing up...
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This week, in 'Healing Conversations', I was chatting with Paula Smith about The Power of Inner Child Healing.
Today we explore the power of inner child healing and its transformative influence on our lives. Special guest Paula Smith shares her journey of leaving an abusive relationship and finding healing through inner child work. We discuss the impact of childhood trauma on our adult lives, the process of reparenting the inner child, and the importance of sitting with triggered emotions as a method of healing. Join us as we delve into visualisation, affirmations, and the power of self-support to release trapped emotions and foster compassion towards ourselves. Get ready to explore the liberating journey of inner child healing and its potential to bring lightness and wholeness to our lives.
More about Paula:
I am a certified life coach dedicated to helping women who are struggling to heal their unconscious patterns, negative thoughts, and self-sabotage, or who are moving on after toxic relationships. After experiencing my own healing journey following a 15-year narcissistic abusive relationship, I discovered that simply being aware of our wounds behind our patterns is not enough.
Since many of us developed these wounds between the ages of 0-7 years while primarily operating in a subconscious state, it’s essential to heal those patterns and childhood wounds at that level as well. I've developed a 4-step protocol that I work through with my clients to facilitate this healing process.
Social links:
1) http://instagram.com/mindfuladventurecoaching
2) https://mindfuladventure.my.canva.site/
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